September 20th, 2018 - when Anxiety GETS LOUD

Words inspired after a week of high anxiety, and after reading this fab article about modern exhaustion in women: https://bit.ly/2wSOr4O

Just this morning I had to turn down an opportunity to be involved as a facilitator on an online program basically because I'm stretched too thin in too many areas of life. As much as I loved the host and the opportunity, I knew I was overly comitted and sailing way too close to an anxiety episode.

I've lived a lot of my life on adrenaline and often enjoy it and even glamourised it. But, as I've got older and my responsbility load and levels of tasks and busy-ness has increased, anxiety is getting louder, more often.  When anxiety kicks in I'm no good to my kids as stressed mum takes over, and I eat more sugar, drink less water and go into my very well practised fight or flight warrior mode of survival and I often break things/relationships or do a 360 on scenarios that were actually fine as they were. I think that's called catastrophising self sabotage!

It made me sad, to let go of a lovely collaboration and potential, but I had to choose. My focus right now is grounding and building. Grounding my home life. Taking care of my boys. Grounding my work. I've chosen to commit to a further counselling training for the next two years and balancing that alongside single mum life and paying the bills is going to be my biggest stretch that requires heaps of emotional and practical support so I can do it without burning out, over commiting or internally combusting!

Last night I had an incredible listening and coaching session with Olivia Seck. When I was about to throw the towel in with my deepest fears taking over.. she said HOW can you work with your fears to juice the wisdom out of them and not let them take over and drive the car. Fears can be helpful as a passenger but they are rubbish as the driver. With her support I was able to clarify what I'm struggling with, and which fears are useful to listen to, those which are out of my control how to gently accept their existence.

We created an action plan and the key was building my support system around me.

1. Firstly, identify someone who knows me well enough to watch over me regularly so I don't overcommit or get so immersed into a project that I forget to feed the kids! (Miranda and Daisy you are my guardian angels on this one)
   
   
2. Get to the root of the pain:  Identify the best form of therapy to release the trauma that gets kicked off in my nervous system most deeply when I'm holding the reins of my life. I have a fear of the future being bleak and painful which can trip me up and stop me from stepping out and through, often. 
   
   Anxiety reminds me of being physically and emotionally paralyzed in a body plaster when I was a pre-schooler, and being emotionally angry, then frozen, isolated and feeling like I wanted to give up.  That's historically when I also stopped eating and drinking - I went into a certain kind of survival mode, and it's left a habitual responses in my nervous system. The quicker I catch myself doing this, the better because when it passes, once I breathe, dance, relax, and connect with my heart, with something bigger, with potential, well I then remember hope, the grand design and know in my bones all is well. As I come through each painful episode, I'm in better shape than before.
   
   
3. As well as having family support and a therapist for when things get tough, I also reminded myself of other tools I know if and connect with to bring me back into a place and calm and connection like timetabling yoga nidra meditation into my week as a lifestyle tool to balance my brain, release emotions, and strengthen my intention and trust in my lifepath (listen to Karen Brody, founder of Daring to Rest on my headphones!!).
   
   
4. Simple things like go back to one of my earliest challenges - drink water and take in nourishing life! (my great buddy, personal trainer Alan Levi picked this up and said "I am not a camel 😂 and that makes me giggle)
   
   
5. Music - it changes my state almost immediately. Dance with Kalindi's playlist! Move, wiggle, and feel like an embodiment of sensual Shakira often! 
   
   
6. Once recognising that a big trigger for perfectionistic dyslexic anxiety is about writing essays again, Olivia helped me make an agreement to take the next two years of study with an importat mantra in mind - getting help with writing essays, and only writing essays that are GOOD ENOUGH.. note to self that means not top of the class, perfectionist, just good enough is good enough.
   
   
7. Being responsbile for a home whilst studying and working for myself is scary. I felt a lot of anxiety come from my fears around money, and also from my habitual undervaluing and playing down my skillset.  I spent time remembering that I have valuable skills to offer others already and this will continue to grow. Note to self - Patience and doing what I can is enough right now!
   
   
8. School to do lists - continue to NOT be embarrassed that I don't want to bake cakes for any PTA events because I'm shit at it and it stresses me out!
   
   
9. And one of the biggest behaviour challenges I want to address is significantly reducing my phone addiction because I use it when I'm anxious. It distracts my focus. It feeds my need for entertainment, distracts me from a certain kind of lonliness, but also it feeds a negative belief I have about there never being enough time and keeping up whoever in business or life! Instead of fuelling my stress-loops I hope to use the phone social media machine less and when I choose to share it's stuff that is alive and juicy!
   
   
10. Isolation plus anxiety drains me! I value connection. Actually I love connection. I don't want to flirt with a world online anymore .. I want to experience you with my real life senses - I wanna look in your eyes, hold your hands and play with you- yes you lucky f*ckers! .... But perhaps with less alcohol as according to this article cited above because it messes with the hormones! 😂
    
    So I'm going to invite my friends to ask me out, have a tea with me, remind me to leave my house for more than just the school run.. but not so much that I don't hand in my future homework!!!  Although any invitations to events with male strippers dancing to 'Pony' are still always considered (cheeky humourous emoji should go here!).

So, this was the learning of my week. A large undoing. Letting someone down (who I still retained a wonderful connection with thankfully), and reaching out for help.

The first step is admitting you have a problem..say NO more often...then leaning into wise support.. receive that support fully... see the humour in it all, smile..make a plan and then lovingly keep going! 💛✨

Note to friends: I may well struggle with doing any of these things consistently but to my friends out there - I ask you to please watch out for me and from time to time ask me if I've drunk enough water!

#tortoiseandhare #selfcareloop #dareingtorest #roarmojo #restphase